By Kahron Spearman
FOLLOW KAHRON @yeslikethebook

As a new guy to the site (but not fantasy football) I’ll attempt to infuse a fan’s point of view with some humor. Here’s a dumb, long rundown of outlooks for each of your (sorry-ass) NFL teams. As always, every word I’ve written, in the following text, should be taken as gospel.

Arizona Cardinals: There’s a lot to like about the Cardinals entire offensive lineup – they have several potential likely starters – WRs Larry Fitzgerald, John Brown, Michael Floyd, a No. 1. DST, and K Chandler Catanzaro. Of course, there are two definitely number ones in QB Carson Palmer and RB David Johnson, a powerful run/catch threat. Cleared from a concussion, Brown is primed for a No. 1 breakout, replacing Fitzgerald. Talented newcomers (rookie) Robert Nkemdiche and (former New England Patriot) Chandler Jones, however, are primed to break out lawyer retainers. Arizona is hoping the two stay on the straight and narrow, with their eyes on the sparrow. Which looks tasty when you’re high on spice. S Tyrann Mathieu is ready to roll.

Atlanta Falcons: My hot take – Don’t expect Davonta Freeman to repeat last year’s performance, which tailed off in the second half. Even if you split the difference from the two halves of the season, a healthy RB Tevin Coleman carrying the rock will limit Freeman’s ceiling. Even with a dominant No. 1 in WR Julio Jones, QB Matt Ryan will likely continue transitioning from Matty Ice to Natty Light. I do not have faith in Mohamed Sanu. If he was a number two, he’d already be a number two. There’s an ongoing youth movement on defense. They drafted (currently injured) S Keanu Neal out of the Florida, and are still hoping DE Vic Beasley can become the consistent pass rushing force they severely need.

Baltimore Ravens: This is a team of general question marks, from QB Joe Flacco coming back from an ACL injury, to the defense, to the committee at running back with Javoris Allen and rookie Kenneth Dixon. WRs Steve Smith and Breshad Perriman may start, but trashman Kamar Aiken has potential for a 1,000 yard season should either get injured – unfortunately a high likelihood. With evangelist/TE Ben Watson out for the season, Maxx Williams may finally get a TE1 look if he can surge past Crockett Gillmore. Terrell Suggs takes a break from his Ballers schedule to, hopefully, play a 100% healthy Sizzle in real life. Even with him at full strength, the defense is middle of the pack at best.

Buffalo Bills: Fantasy or not, QB Tyrod Taylor might be the truth, the permanent answer. The TyGod. Rex Ryan might be ready to paint little edible number 5’s to suck off his wife’s toes if Taylor can stay upright and build on his connection with dynamic WR Sammy Watkins. Look for a nice season from RB LeSean McCoy, who won’t have the Pillsbury Doughboy (aka Karlos Williams) behind him, running and catching as the firmly entrenched No. 1. The defensive front seven’s outlook is a little shaky, especially after the head-scratching cut of starter LB Manny Lawson. Perhaps they feel that good about rookie LB/DE Shaq Lawson’s potential and Kyle Williams’ return. The Bills’ secondary – led by CB Stephen Gilmore – is a strength.

Carolina Panthers: NFL MVP Cam Newton (and that dumb blonde goatee) will do what he does, which is continue improvement on his passing while overwhelming defenses with his feet…and look ridiculous in extra-smarge clothing. Overall, in real life, he’s the league’s best offensive player. He’ll have a bevy of pass catchers, including the return of WR Kelvin Benjamin from ACL injury. WR Devin Funchess, though, will have every opportunity to be their leading WR, at least this season. TE Greg Olsen continues to be the rock. The Luke Kuechly-led defense will be question mark, especially at cornerback where they are anything but highly inexperienced. The big question is the slump that tends to plague Super Bowl losing teams – will the Panthers power through and #KeepPounding?

Chicago Bears: Discount Marlboro Man/QB Jay Cutler could actually be on the rise, if he connects with WR Kevin White, who’s returning from injury that snatched away his entire rookie campaign who’s already injured again. Hoping to stay healthier to get his big deal, WR Alshon Jeffery – playing under the franchise tag – will have top-end production as usual. RB Matt Forte has moved on to the New York Jets, leaving RB Jeremy Langford as the starter. The problem is that Langford isn’t an efficient runner, at a 3.6 YPC clip. But receiving will be his calling card, and what generates high touch counts. The struggle will be real for Chicago’s Keystone Kops defense – bottom third with a bullet.

Cincinnati Bengals: QB Andy Dalton should continue his ascent into one of the best in the league, but he won’t be doing it with TE Tyler Eifert, who’s out for probably the first five to six weeks while recovering from ankle surgery. Two-headed monster Jeremy Hill and Gio Bernard will not only run, but fill some of the receiving void left by Eifert’s injury. Top shelf WR A.J. Green should be he usual, special self. WR Tyler Boyd is a wild card, but should get opportunities. Cincinnati’s defense plays fast, nasty, and physical. As a bonus adjective, with Pacman Jones and Vontaze Burfict in tow, they’re borderline certifiable. Also, when does Teflon Marvin Lewis find himself on the hot seat?

Cleveland Browns: QB Robert Griffin can’t see it. By “it,” I mean development of a diagram, as its taking place. He has all the physical gifts you’d like, but once the ball is snapped he’s trying to locate Waldo in a busy Shanghai mall. If he can make proper reads, he has ample weapons to drive the field with. RB Duke Johnson will be Griffin’s best friend. TE Gary Barnidge snuck up on teams last season. All that’s over now, but he can be a strong safety valve. Rookie WR Corey Coleman provides young, athletic threat on the outside. Cleveland’s wild card is, of course, the talented but troubled WR Josh Gordon, suspended for the first four games.

Dallas Cowboys: Prepare for The Ezekiel Elliott Show in Big D. The back has a chance to be a top 3-5 back behind the dominant line. WR Dez Bryant has surely been sulking, doing his X’s now, since QB Tony Romo’s out for what will seem like 6-10 lifetimes for Bryant. Dak Prescott climbs onto the saddle to lead the Cowboys. The Mississippi State product presents an intriguing case, given his first legit snaps under center came in rookie training camp, and will likely pass out of the shotgun and bootlegs. Prescott wasn’t even necessarily lock to make the team. The Cowboy defense will still be made of 100% Swiss cheese. LB Rolando McClain’s got the “lean gut.” (Look it up.) However, DE Randy Gregory did manage to cut his suspension down to four games.

Denver Broncos: Now that future Hall of Famer Mark Sanchez has moved on to lead the Cowboys to inevitable greatness, we can focus on the (already) precipitous dropping of the value in WRs Demaryius Thomas and Emmanual Sanders. It looks like QB Trevor Simien is starting, which is to say he will actually be splitting time with rookie Paxton Lynch in no time. Lynch is definitely the player they hope to progress quickly. RB C.J. Anderson will be asked to do yeoman’s work, as the Broncos go MMA ground and pound. The likely top 3 defense is still stacked with OLB Von Miller leading. The losses of LB Danny Trevathan and DT Malik Jackson will be felt, so DE/OLB Shane Ray must (and probably will) step up.

Detroit Lions: Simply put, they are in serious trouble, especially QB Matthew Stafford who wears too many backwards hats and smacks too much bubble gum. The loss of Calvin Johnson alters defenses, in that they never have to shade over or double anyone else. WR Golden Tate is capable of 1000+ yards, but who else can threaten defenses after that? New signee Marvin Jones? Athletic, but underachieving, TE Eric Ebron? Then, there’s the running game. Other than Theo Riddick’s skills as a pass catcher out of the backfield, you have Ameer Abdullah, Zach Zenner and Michael Burton. Abdullah the Butcher would have the same success. Detroit’s defense will actually fare well, with DE Ziggy Ansah and LB/real life daredevil DeAndre Levy leading the way.

Green Bay Packers: Will Jordy Nelson be back to his old self, after coming back from ACL injury? He definitely showcased his value last season is not playing, given that the Packers lacked that explosive vertical threat he provides for future Hall of Fame QB Aaron Rodgers, who could have a huge year. Having Nelson back makes WR Randall Cobb and Davante Adams more valuable, as they’ll get the 1-on-1 coverages. RB Eddie Lacy cut out the alcohol and the junk, and looks slimmed down. TE Jared Cook provides a big, pass catching presence. The defense will be better than decent, as long as OLBs Julius Peppers and Clay Matthews get their usual pressure.

Houston Texans: The big news is Bionic Man/lab experiment/DE J.J. Watt made a swift recovery from surgery on a herniated disc. The other big news is that is looks like Jadeveon Clowney looks like the stud he was drafted – number one overall in 2014 – to be. New signee RB Lamar Miller will get a chance to shine, as the lead back in a downhill run scheme. QB Brock Osweiler might actually earn his keep, especially if he gets the ball out to WR DeAndre Hopkins and rookie Will Fuller, an absolute burner. Aside from Osweiler’s progression, the biggest question offensively is at tight end – who’s going to step up and be Osweiler’s safety valve underneath and in the middle?

Indianapolis Colts: HOT TAEK ALERT! He puts numbers on the board for fantasy and actual football, but Andrew Luck isn’t a great quarterback. He’s a leader, strong-armed, smart, and great on his feet. However, he’s made some terrible throwing mistakes, that can’t (and shouldn’t) be attributed directly to any injury or even offensive line play – which is somewhat improved (via draft.) That said, the ability to run limits those weird blunders. Can it be done with an 47-year-old Frank Gore, Jordan Todman, and Robert Turbin? It’s going to be tough. On the outside, you have WRs T.Y. Hilton and Donte Moncrief, along with pass catching TE Dwayne Allen. The defense offers little value, sitting at the bottom third, with three of your defenders at age 32 or older – DEs Robert Mathis, Trent Cole and D’Qwell Jackson.

Jacksonville Jaguars: QB Blake Bortles probably isn’t passing for 4500 yards and 35+ TDs, but shouldn’t put up a whole lot less. (He gives tremendous value after the bigger names run off the board.) WR Allen Robinson is already one of the league’s very best, and a capable sidekick in WR Allen Hurns. Is pounder Chris Ivory really a number one back though? The Jags hope he can stabilize an anemic run game, with T.J. Yeldon’s explosiveness as a complement. Bigger changes come on the (improved) defensive side, with the arrival of rookie corner Jalen Ramsey, DT Malik Jackson, and 2nd year DE/girl-fight-referee Dante Fowler, coming back from ACL surgery. Drafted LB Myles Jack has a chance to be special.

Kansas City Chiefs: Alex Smith is boring as hell, but he’s smart and he’s never going to kill you. With news that RB Jamaal Charles will not be fully ready to play in Week 1, the talk is about Spencer Ware – who should get plenty of touches while Charles works himself into shape. RB Charcandrick West will also get looks. WR Jeremy Maclin and rangy TE/Quan-hitter Travis Kelce give Smith highly capable outlets away from the run game. The defense is going to struggle with OLB/DE Justin Houston probably on the shelf for most (or all) of 2016, with a significant knee injury. The QB pressure he provided was second to only J.J. Watt, and gave the secondary chances to play loose and make plays.

Miami Dolphins: New head coach has a good history as an offensive guru, but can he help the consistently bleh Ryan Tannehill? They do have a potentially dynamic group of receivers, including Jarvis Landry and DeVante Parker (who is more potential than substance at this time). Newcomer RB Arian Foster has sewn up the starting role, moving well ahead of Jay Ajayi who sucks, but Foster perpetually injured – which is why Houston showed him the door. DT Ndamukong Suh should beast out. However, Miami hopes DE Mario Williams still has some fire in his belly. Why they signed LB Kiko Alonso-always-out-for-3-weeks, I’m not certain. Probably because he’s a sure tackler, and dependable. CB Byron Maxwell, aka Stay Toasted, will try and play some corner, here and there.

Minnesota Vikings: Becoming one of the most interesting teams coming into the season, after Teddy Bridgewater’s horrible and gruesome knee explosion, the Vikings were a dark-horse Super Bowl contender. HOT TAEK ALERT! I’d argue that they still are, given the acquisition of Sam Bradford, who’s going to basically replicate Bridgewater. And that means mostly handing the ball to RB Adrian Peterson – early, often, and forever. WR Laquon Treadwell looks like a stud, but he (and WR Stefan Diggs) will likely have to make the most of somewhat limited opportunities. The Vikings defense will be stout, lead by a newly paid S Harrison Smith, LB Anthony Barr, and DE Everson Griffen. They have a host of young corners (like Xavier Rhodes and rookie Mackensie Alexander) ready for their shot.

New England Patriots: These next four games will be Bill Belichick’s regular season best work yet. With QB Tom Brady out the first four weeks, and instability at the running back position – due to Dion Lewis like out through Week 10 – the head coach will have to work some magic. QB Jimmy Garoppolo starts, and will probably be okay because he has TE Rob Gronkowsk (who now is acting hurt) and WR Julian Edelman (who has literally been injured every second of his life since exiting his mother’s womb). He won’t be asked to think too hard, or beat top-end corners on a consistent basis. TE Martellus Bennett could get favorable matchups in two-tight sets. WR Chris Hogan might be a high-key factor, because, well, he’s healthy. RBs James White and the enigmatic LeGarrette Blount will likely share time in the backfield. To start, the stout and intelligent top-10 defense will need to carry more of the load.

New Orleans Saints: QB Drew Brees is going to pass for, like, a million yards. Speed demon WR Brandin Cooks should be a hot commodity. WR Willie Snead, who snuck up on everyone, looks to build on a strong season. Rookie Michael Thomas is a stud to watch for, with his strong size/speed/hands ratios. RB Mark Ingram is highly consistent as a runner and pass catcher, though he’s an injury risk/certainty. Tim Hightower and C.J. Spiller are good complements. TE Coby Fleener isn’t going to be what Jimmy Graham was for the Saints, and currently seems to be having trouble grasping the offense. The defense, well, one definitely exists. I think that’s basically all that can be said about it.

New York Giants: The Giants are a wild card. They are stacked with talent in some spots, but you have no clue how to gauge them from year to year. QB Eli Manning can look like a Hall of Famer one week, and “Manning-face” aka “Sad-Elmo Face” the next. WR Odell Beckham Jr., though, will stay consistent – with catches, yards, diva cattiness, flair for the dramatic and sheer clothing. WR Victor Cruz says he’s back to 100% physically, but he’s lying. Rookie Sterling Shepard is on his heels if he drops off even just a little. The Giants defense should be upgraded, on paper, with DE Olivier Vernon coming up from Miami and Jason Pierre-Paul’s claw fully healed. The secondary – featuring SS Landon Collins, CB Janoris Jenkins, and potentially rookie CB Eli Apple – looks promising.

New York Jets: The J-E-T-S, Jets!, Jets!, Jets! have gained new life, by resigning QB Ryan Fitzpatrick. He’s not going to the Hall of Fame, but the drop off to QBs Geno Smith and rookie Christian Hackenberg is going from that hill you used to go down on your snow sled/cardboard box, to Olympus Mons. (Google it.) WR Brandon Marshall and the polished Eric Decker will beat coverages again. RB Matt Forte changes the feel and look of the entire offense. Where Chris Ivory was used as a sledgehammer, Forte runs (and catches) with the nuance of an old man – though clearly his age is a concern. The Jets defense should be disruptive again, led by DE Muhammad Wilkerson and CB Darrelle Revis. Interestingly, the Jets are experimenting along the line, toying with using RosterWatch’s precious and most golden son DE Leonard Williams as a 3-4 nost tackle (?!).

Oakland Raiders: QB Derek Carr is a breakout candidate – actual and fantasy. RB Latavius Murray could actually be undervalued – but only in fantasy, because actually … he sucks. The reason for fantasy hope? A MUCH improved offensive line. Better blocking is also going to put second-year WR Amari Cooper in position to be a star (not that he wasn’t already one), with Michael Crabtree continuing his career revival. The defense will persist on being inconsistent, with flashes of greatness – mostly coming from pass-rushing LB Khalil Mack. Signing LB Bruce Irvin and drafting S Karl Joseph, Shilique Calhoun, and Jihad Ward should make for more pressure and explosive plays. A top 15 DST isn’t out of the question – actual or fantasy. Oakland should enjoy what they’re seeing now. The Mayflower trucks are coming.

Philadelphia Eagles: In trading QB Sam Bradford to the Vikings, the Eagles actually gained more than picks. They gained peace of mind. QB Chase Daniel will keep the seat warm for rookie Carson Wentz, and play “hot potato” football – with no pass going beyond 7 yards. He could be the first QB throw for less than 200 yards on 40+ completions. Hoping to shed the sophomore slump, Jordan Matthews looks ready for an 80 to 100-catch, 800-yard season. Ryan Mathews enters the season at the starting RB. On average, he’s being drafted around Round 5 in fantasy. It’s interesting, considering he’ll be nicked up putting on his uniform in Week 1. Wentz will definitely play this season, and all of this could change. Probably not.

Pittsburgh Steelers: WR Antonio Brown. That’s all that needs to be said about that. QB Ben Roethlisberger will put up Madden numbers, even with the absence of WR Martavis Bryant (season) and all-purpose RB Le’Veon Bell (out first three games). RB DeAngelo Williams is a popular pickup, as an early ‘cuff selection. I’d be wary of Bell, his knees, and his low-key concussion risk. He has a running style and body type that lends to injury. Markus Wheaton should get most of the downfield looks Bryant got but keep an eye on Sammie Coates as well. Starting on the PUP list, Ladarius Green was supposed to be the dynamic, middle-of-the-field TE, but concussion effects and an “ankle injury” could sit him down half of the season.

San Diego Chargers: The Super Chaaaargers! They look ready to storm the AFC West, with a revived receiving corps for QB Philip Rivers to shot put toward. Dominant WR Keenan Allen returns from his lacerated kidney injury. They’ve added WR Travis Benjamin from the Browns, and Stevie Johnson is back. But the offense will go as far as RB Melvin Gordon can run. They had like 13,894 different offensive line combinations in 2015, which didn’t help. Hopefully, it will be solidified enough for Gordon, and all-purpose back Danny Woodhead. The offense, and special teams, will have to be explosive because the cheap, wet-diaper defense will give up plenty of points.

San Francisco 49ers: Let’s be real. QB Blaine Gabbert is starting because Colin Kaepernick’s injuries (and regression) have limited his ability. Kaepernick – who’s likely to still have a chance to start, when he fully recovers from shoulder surgery – will remain as backup, because he was never getting cut. He’s good PR, a proxy to minorities, and is selling jerseys. RB Carlos Hyde could break out, and is frankly, the only player of any legit value for fantasy. The receiving corps, also known as a Burger King dumpster, is lead by WR Torrey Smith now that Bruce Ellington has been lost for the season. He’s good player, but if he’s your second-best skill player, you’re in big, big trouble. New coach Chip Kelly hopes rookie DE DeForest Buckner can help their porous defense.

Seattle Seahawks: As good as he’s already been, Pro Bowl QB Russell Wilson continues to improve. RB Thomas Rawls starts and can put a chokehold on the position, but will be closely followed by rookie C.J. Prosise and pesky journeyman SPARQ-freak Christine Michael. WRs Doug Baldwin and Tyler Lockett will be in line for strong seasons. Seattle is hopeful TE Jimmy Graham will be ready after recovery from a serious patella injury, but is being cautious – readiness from Week 1 isn’t a given. Disciplined and punishing, Seahawks defense will be disruptive once again, playing the numbers game by locking down outside threats to use Earl Thomas and Kam Chancellor to terrorize roamers in the middle of the field. I’d be surprised if they don’t go deep in the playoffs once again.

St. Louis Rams: You have to worry about RB Todd Gurley. (Editor’s note: We don’t.) One of the best young running backs in the NFL is going to be asked to put the franchise, and LA’s fantastical football dreams, on his back. Passing, at any point, is window dressing. Rookie QB Jared Goff will struggle, as rookies do – and the serious lack of receiving consistent talent outside of WR Kenny Britt (…kinda) doesn’t help. Some are high on Tavon Austin’s versatility. Those people are sniffing glue. Austin has no statistical history of being a dependable receiver that scores touchdowns, and he’s small. No, the defense is what strikes fear. Young and ferocious, and led by DT Aaron Donald and DE Robert Quinn, they bring pressure along the line like few in the NFL. They can wreck all your Sunday plans.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: As QB/crabmeat connoisseur Jameis Winston continues his all-important development; we could see a dynamite offensive display from the Bucs. They have ALL the weapons. RB Doug Martin bounced back with a big year in 2015, and was rewarded with a new deal. RB Charles Sims provides an excellent complement on 3rd downs. WR Mike Evans had a down year, with 1206 yards – which tells you about his talent. Look for all his numbers, especially touchdowns, to go up. The other big bodies, WR Vincent Jackson and TE Austin Seferian- Jenkins need to burst through as consistent threats. K Roberto Aguayo had his issues early, but looks ready to be a difference-making kicker. The defense, on the other hand, is lacking.

Tennessee Titans: The Titans are playing to do one thing well: run the football. They got DeMarco Murray, and drafted monster-back Derrick Henry out of Alabama. Now-permanent coach Mike Mularkey wants to set QB Marcus Mariota up for success. They also signed sure-handed Rishard Matthews, veteran Andre Johnson, and drafted Tajae Sharpe. TE Delanie Walker, athletic and ever-solid, gives Mariota a nice, warm blanket to depend on. Pounding the ball, and eating up clock, helps the Titans’ less than stellar defense

The Professional Football Team of Washington, DC: Kirk Cousins is betting on himself in 2016, believing he’s worth the fat deal other name-brand QBs have. Given what he has at his disposable, you have to think he just might be good for it. Veteran WRs DeSean Jackson and Pierre Garcon are still viable, and well-flanked by rookie Josh Doctson and second-year stud Jamison Crowder. TE Jordan Reed provides explosiveness. RB Matt Jones comes into the season dinged up with a shoulder, and there is a drop off after him – which will definitely affect Cousins’ play. The PFTWDC is hoping LB Ryan Kerrigan-led defense can get consistent pressure. LB Junior Galette is coming off an Achilles. CB Josh Norman’s elite coverage skills, though, will be key.