After a long offseason of tanning his alloys, swimming with sharks and sting rays in the warm blue waters of Belize, and even traveling to ancient Mayan ruins in efforts to decode his genius ancestry, The RosterWatch Computer, the Robot Genius, has returned for the NFL Season, with a little creole to his lexicon.

He’ll never forget the moment the first drop of the sweet nectar they call a “Belizean Panty Dropper” hit his robot lips, or when he refused to buy a black-market jaguar’s tooth from a Rhasta-Man. There’s even the time he was offered “de white powd-ah”.

The Computer tells us – his three male surrogate parents – that the time away only made his feelings for fantasy football grow stronger. All he thinks about is getting back to doing what he loves most- Analyzing Fantasy Wide Receivers. (He has apparently also missed his naughty photos of Nasty Nate Burleson judging by the smell of robot vapor rub coming from his room.)

We were concerned the little guy would be troubled when we had to break to him that the Black Anaconda Josh Gordon was suspended for most of the season after another offseason of weed and alcohol not too different from the summer the Computer had himself.

We also worried about telling the little guy that Justin Blackmon – his favorite wide receiver of all time – was banned form the NFL indefinitely, had gone AWOL, and his coaches and general manager hate him.

The Robot Genius showed just how resilient he’s become, as the news rolled off his back in a very calm, and more mature manner than usual. He had only two words to mutter………“KELVIN BENJAMIN”.

After digesting his first set of inputs on the season, here are the Fantasy Wide Receivers that the RosterWatch Computer LOVES for Week 5:

0101011010101 COMPUTER LOVE 01000010101010001

Steve Smith Sr, BAL

The senior citizen has used advanced time travel to reverse the aging process, while traveling to a distant new team where he catches passes from a man with a mustache who likely drives an old, brown, full-sized van. Smith is a non-touchdown dependent target monster whose median supports his average. There is no metric the Computer loves more, which is why the Robot Genius says SSS will be the #3 fantasy receiver in Week 5.

DeAndre Hopkins, HOU

After noticing his 12.65 point fantasy scoring median, and his elite points per target production, The Computer made sure to download the videos to his internal mental hard drive of DeAndre Hopkins extending his telescopic robot arms to make sick one handed catches with his magnet hands. His circuitry tells him that he and Hopkins are of similar origins, and that DeAndre has risen in alien fashion to the top of the food chain in Houston. The Computer predicts that Hopkins will be a WR1 in Week 5.

Brian Quick, STL

The Robot Genius has always had a maniacally secret “three-year Vincent Jackson plan” for Brian Quick. He has been sick about Quick’s physical inputs since the 2012 Senior Bowl, but always comes into our room late at night and whispers about his secret, “Why is Brian Quick’s median still so shitty? It’s almost Year 3!”

In what feels like a form of telekinesis that us humans cannot sense, Quick has been willed to fantasy relevance in Year 3. The Robot Genius says it’s no coincidence. A 10-point producer on the season with above-average receiving metrics across the board and a terrific matchup this week in a potential shootout against the Eagles, The Computer projects Quick as a HIGH-END WR2 for Week 5.

The Computer also says

“Allen Hurns and Eddie Royal will be WR1’s in Week 5”
Royal has been an 11-plus-point scorer by all measures of central tendency. Buyer beware if he doesn’t get in the end zone, but his matchup at home against the Jets is elite. Hurns on the other metal robot hand, is an explosive playmaker who makes the most of his targets and has an elite matchup against an injury-riddled Steelers secondary.

Oh yeah, and we were also concerned when unpacking the Computer’s gear upon his re-entry to the United States, when we found a very questionable stash of Devin Hester photographs. Later the little genius asked if his components could be outfitted for a gold grill. It made more sense when he told us today, that Hester will be a WR2 in Week 5.